Character's Smack Talk (for Character Battle)

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    Before you vote in the Character Battle, learn more about the contestants. Here’s where they talk the big talk, do the mic drop, and otherwise mouth off about how much they deserve your vote!

    Characters, be witty, be snarky, be yourselves.




    The hat is a shapeshifting extra-dimensional creature. He was brought here by witchcraft thousands of years ago.

    ”Yeah, some warrior wanted eyes in the back of his head, so he paid this chick to enchant his helmet. He got what he wanted, but now I’m stuck here.

    ”Turns out I’m bound to his bloodline for all eternity, or until it dies out. These days I’m working with this girl named Lizzie. She’s a good kid, hard worker. Together we form a kind of symbiosis. She can do things I can’t, ‘cause you know, I always have to be some kind of hat. Fingers and all that crap, I can do things she can’t either, you guys might call them powers today. Together we can do so much more.

    ”Anyway, our mission is to fight monsters. You heard me, monsters. Lizzie didn’t buy it at first either. Guess I can relate, I was stuck in a box for twenty years. That whole Internet thing kind kind of snuck past me.

    ”One of my previous owners took up playing the upright bass for entertainment. Now I play the bass using Lizzie’s hands. She sings. We have a band that gets us out at night, which is a good time to find monsters. Check out our story THE HAT

    ”Oh yeah, the boss asked you to vote for us. You can even do it on this newfangled internet thingie.”



    Um…hey, so, I’m Dr. Spencer Abbot. I’ve been through a lot in my early adulthood, and…wait, hold on. *looks off-page; whispering* What do you mean I’m not in therapy…? Wait, “smack-talk”? I’ve never been good at that…well, okay, I’ll try…


    I’ve survived run-ins with a serial killer and a technophobic mage that likes to kill those he doesn’t agree with. My leg? *knocks on his lower left leg* It’ll hurt someone else so much more than it does me when I kick someone with it. But above all else, I’m a magic user. Learned it to better defend myself from people like that serial killer I mentioned. And if you really want to get on my bad side, just do anything to harm my family. See, that part where I introduce myself as “Doctor”? That’s not just some fancy title. That means I’m well-versed in human anatomy. Which means that I know just the right parts to hurt. Got it?

    …Okay, I hope that went well enough?


    Timothy Bateson

    Richard ParsonsFunny how people tell you to just be yourself as if any of us really know who that is. For me, that’d be Richard Parsons, lupine, member of the Seattle pack, and unwilling servant of the Supernatural TaskForce.

    So, you want to know more? Okay, you asked for it… I’m a loner with a bad habit of finding myself on the wrong side of the law. But what do you expect, after my father walked out, and my mother died, and I was forced to grow up on the streets? That meant joining one of the gangs and trying to keep my nose clean, but that wasn’t on the cards.

    Eventually, I had one too many run-ins with the police and getting blackmailed into working for the people who think they can police the supernatural community. Well, first chance I get, I’m out of there…

    And if they come after me, they’d better watch out, because I’m not afraid of letting my wolf-side out, and I will not be the one hunted.


    I guess the best place to begin is the beginning, right? Guess you need something to call me. Name’s Fia Drake. Fiammetta, actually. It means “Little Flame.” I think it had something to do with being born with this same red hair you see now. I couldn’t tell you, to be honest. I was abandoned, left to be raised by nuns.

    Yeah, nuns. And you thought your childhood was rough. But that’s not even the start of it. Sister Agnes was the crazy bat directly responsibility for my upbringing. And she knew things.

    They all did. See, somehow, I ended up in a very special convent with a very special set of secrets. There were three other kids there with me, all about the same age, and when we were all nine, ten years old, that crazy bat took us out in the flats behind the convent and taught us to shoot on these rickety old, handmade crossbows. A year into that, she trained us to shoot people with those same splinter-ridden hunks of oak.

    You heard me. People. Well, dummies made of ballistic gel. Turns out we were being trained to hunt condemned souls. Trained, groomed, whatever. The wrinkle was the only way to catch these souls was when they possessed a human. That was the ultimate goal; to catch them. Send them back to Hell where they belonged.

    I peaced out of that madhouse when I was sixteen. Yeah, I’ve noticed you eyeballing my scars. Those have nothing to do with condemned souls. Although I can’t imagine the bastard didn’t end up there eventually. Living on the streets I found myself in the employ of a sex trafficker using his diner as a weigh station for underage sex toys.

    I put his arm in the deep fryer. Unfortunately I was holding it when it went in.

    After that, that first bounty was hard to resist. $5k and the promise of another when the job was done. And more where that came from? When you’re seventeen and hungry, that’s a lot of money.

    Nowadays I’m doing pretty well for it. Got a sick condo in a converted warehouse, money to buy concert tickets, and a steady job. Not too many quarterlifers can say that these days. Even if it does mean I’m by myself 90% of the time, chasing condemned souls because some demon got his panties in a twist and turned them all loose.



    I’m Jaffa, the fire demon all vampire fear; yet, the vampire gods require my help. Should I offer my assistance or set the pesky bloodsuckers on fire?




    I’m Lori Grenville, and I bring a lot of trouble in a small package. Hell, I once killed a wolf with a snow shovel. And those other wolf shifters in this contest? My silver buckshot will take them down, no problem. I’ve got secrets I’m not telling, but I’ll use them if I need to. Anything for the cause.

    P.J. MacLayne Action with a touch of romance

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